The Love Confession Most Women Are Ashamed to Admit: And why nothing was “wrong” with you

There’s a confession I hear from women again and again—one that’s rarely said out loud because it feels embarrassing, shameful, or like a personal failure.

“I knew something was missing, but I kept trying to make myself smaller so it wouldn’t matter.”

I’ve been that woman.

I felt deep shame for staying in relationships I knew weren’t meeting my emotional needs—yet I kept making excuses for why these men couldn’t show up for me.

“I must be asking for too much.”

“No one is perfect.”

“Maybe I’ll just get my emotional needs met from my girlfriends.”

I remember sitting with my therapist, wavering between these thoughts, trying to distinguish between my past trauma and what were legitimate emotional needs.

I see this same pattern play out with many of my female patients.

We talk through the limitations of their partners. We list the pros and cons. And please don’t get me wrong—no one is perfect. But feeling unseen, unheard, invalidated, or emotionally neglected in a relationship is not something you have to settle for.

You can—but you are not asking for too much.

What Emotional Unavailability Really Looks Like

Before we talk about what men are capable of giving, we need to name what happens when we’re dating someone emotionally unavailable.

Emotional availability is closely tied to emotional intelligence—the ability to be aware of one’s own emotions and attune to the emotions of others. It requires vulnerability, yes—but also regulation, presence, and communication.

Someone who is emotionally available can stay engaged during conflict. They can listen without shutting down. They can name feelings and tolerate discomfort.

An emotionally unavailable partner does the opposite.

They avoid hard conversations. They withdraw. They dismiss, minimize, or disappear.

One moment I still reflect on was the first time a partner saw me cry and looked genuinely terrified. “Oh no—don’t do that,” he said.

The discomfort on his face told me everything.

Later, when he began walking out during conflict, it only confirmed what I was dealing with.

The Nervous System Response No One Talks About

When we’re faced with this kind of emotional aloofness—this wall where vulnerability should be—our nervous system doesn’t stay neutral.

From a biological perspective, it goes into panic mode.

This isn’t limited to anxious attachment. Even securely attached people can experience it. The amygdala—the brain’s alarm system—registers emotional inconsistency as danger.

As children, emotional attunement from caregivers created our blueprint for safety. So when emotional safety is threatened in adulthood, our nervous system reacts the same way it did when survival depended on connection.

We begin to crave closeness.We reach out. We cling—not for control, but for reassurance.

Often, all we need is simple attunement: eye contact, validation, presence, maybe an embrace. Never underestimate the power of being held when your nervous system is overwhelmed.

But when our partner cannot—or will not—offer this, the loneliness becomes profound. Sometimes this is when emotional affairs begin.“My partner just doesn’t listen to me.”

Where Women Get Stuck

Many women get trapped in the space between willingness and ability.

For women healing childhood wounds of “not enoughness”—or those who had to earn love growing up—emotional unavailability becomes personal.

“If I were good enough, he’d be there for me.”“If I behaved differently, he’d meet my needs.”

So we adapt.

We shrink.

We suppress.

We convince ourselves that asking for less will hurt less.

This isn’t acceptance. It’s self-abandonment.

The “why” behind someone’s emotional limitations doesn’t actually matter.

And I say this as both a therapist and a recovering codependent.

I used to obsessively explore the emotional landscapes of the men I dated—their trauma, their childhoods, their cultural conditioning. I made excuses for their inability to meet me emotionally.

They had learned that men don’t show emotion. That vulnerability is weakness.

But here’s what I learned about emotions: you don’t get to turn off only the painful ones. If sadness is forbidden, so is joy. If vulnerability is dangerous, so is intimacy.

As I accepted their emotional distance, I began to be criticized for my emotional expression.

I was “too excited.”

Too affectionate.

Too much.

Sometimes it was teasing. Sometimes it was scolding. Some women are outright shamed—“needy,” “emotional,” even “hysterical.”

I had accepted my partners as they were. But I was not accepted as I was. Full of life.

And the loneliest experience in the world isn’t being physically alone—it’s being emotionally alone with someone else.

Here’s what I want you to hear:

What you’re asking for exists.

Yes—even in men.

I know this not just professionally, but personally. I’m currently dating a man who instinctively pulls me into an embrace the second my eyes well up with tears. Sometimes he notices my anxiety before I’ve even named it—his body responds before words are needed. There’s no panic, no withdrawal, no discomfort with my feelings. Just presence.

And the most surprising part?

My nervous system settles almost immediately.

This is what secure attachment looks like in real time: a nervous system that can stay present with emotion instead of pulling away from it.

Men are not biologically incapable of emotional intimacy. They are socially conditioned away from it.

And while that reality deserves compassion, it does not require your sacrifice.

Someone else’s unhealed relationship with vulnerability does not mean your needs are unrealistic. It does not mean you’re asking for too much. And it certainly does not mean emotional safety is a fantasy.

When emotional safety is present, you don’t have to monitor your tone. You don’t have to rehearse your needs. You don’t have to disappear to stay connected.

You get to be fully expressed—and still chosen.

So if you’ve been carrying shame for wanting more, let this be the reframe:

The goal was never to want less.The goal is to stop attaching where your nervous system has to work this hard to feel safe.

And nothing was ever wrong with you for knowing that.

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