Codependency Isn’t Kindness — It’s Low Self-Worth. Why Being “Good” Keeps You Overgiving
Jan 7
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Many women refer to themselves as “codependent.” The word has become sensationalized—shaped by pop psychology and social media—and given countless personal interpretations. For most people, it’s come to mean being overly attached to a partner, overgiving in relationships, or caring too much. Some even use it to describe friendships where two people must always be together, doing everything side by side.
But that’s not quite what codependency actually is.
Despite the root word co, codependency does not necessarily mean the relationship itself is codependent. Rather, it stems from one person’s emotional and interpersonal blueprint.
Of course, certain relationships can activate codependent patterns more strongly than others—and some relationships are outright trauma bonds, as we would call them clinically. But the pattern lives within the person, not the partnership.
What Codependency Actually Is
Clinically speaking, codependency is a tendency to allow another person’s emotional state to become your own—often accompanied by an obsessive need to regulate or control that person—while losing yourself in the process.
This is far more than overgiving or being “too attached.” It’s a form of emotional enmeshment so intense that you no longer know where you end and the other person begins.
I often describe it as an overdose of empathy.
Empathy itself is an emotional state—and a crucial one at that, fundamental to human connection and evolution. Codependency, however, is the behavior that follows: abandoning your own needs, emotions, and boundaries in an attempt to manage someone else. When that control fails (as it inevitably does), anxiety often floods in. It feels very personal.
We’ve all heard the phrase “walking on eggshells.” It’s usually used to describe being around an emotionally volatile person. But a codependent is often walking on eggshells all the time—with everyone. They are hyper-attuned to other people’s emotional states while remaining disconnected from their own.
A Familiar Pattern
She came into therapy saying she was exhausted—not from work, but from being the one everyone leaned on. In her relationship, she was the planner, the emotional regulator, the forgiver. When her partner pulled away, she tried harder. She didn’t describe herself as unhappy—just “tired.”
It wasn’t until we slowed things down that she said quietly, “I don’t think anyone would choose me if I stopped being so good.”
This isn’t kindness.This is someone trying to earn safety.
And she is far from alone.
“So What’s the Problem? Isn’t That Just Being a Good Person?”
This is where things get tricky.
What often looks like kindness is actually a survival strategy rooted in low self-worth.
At its core, codependency is chronic self-abandonment in relationships. It’s a lack of boundaries driven by a deep desire to be needed, useful, or approved of.
It is not generosity.
It is not love.
It is not being “too caring.”
If you Google the clinical definition of codependency, you’ll often see language suggesting that it leads to low self-esteem. For the purpose of this article, I’m going to conflate self-esteem with self-worth—and I’d argue the reverse is actually true.
Low self-worth is what drives codependency.
I know that can sting. It’s a hard pill to swallow—but stay with me.
Codependent behaviors are built on unconscious beliefs that our worth is tied to doing. Somewhere along the way, we learned that love must be earned. That boundaries are burdensome. And most importantly, that conflict risks abandonment.
The internal logic sounds something like this:
“If I’m good enough, helpful enough, accommodating enough…”
Where This Comes From
Most of us didn’t develop these patterns randomly. They often emerge from early childhood experiences—particularly environments shaped by emotional immaturity, neglect, or inconsistency.
Maybe affection was unpredictable.
Maybe praise came only when you were “easy,” mature, or the helper.
Maybe your emotional needs felt inconvenient to the adults around you.
I’m not here to blame parents or grandparents—but there’s a saying that perfectly captures how these patterns develop: “Children should be seen, not heard.”
I cringe writing that, but it was very real.
Think about what that communicates to a developing child: your needs don’t matter; your emotions are a burden.
Growing up with that message trains a child to walk on eggshells and manage the emotional states of adults—long before they’ve learned to identify their own.
Only then do they receive approval or acceptance.
Phrases like “don’t cry,” “toughen up,” or “you can come out once you calm down” teach the same lesson: your feelings are inconvenient.
More extreme versions of this occur in households impacted by severe mental illness or substance abuse. There are few stronger codependents than the child of an alcoholic parent—someone who came home either belligerent or completely numb.
(Hello, me.)
I learned to take care of my parents instead of learning how to understand my own needs. Unsurprisingly, that template followed me straight into adult romantic relationships.
The Hidden Cost of Being “The Good One”
Here’s the part people don’t talk about enough: we don’t actually enjoy always giving.
On some level, we want to be seen, too. We want care, attention, and emotional safety. But we’re terrified that boundaries will lead to abandonment.
So we suppress our voices. We overextend. We become exhausted, resentful, and invisible.
This pattern often draws us into relationships with emotionally unavailable people—because emotional neglect feels familiar. Being unseen feels normal. And over time, our identity erodes.
Who am I outside this relationship?
What do I need?
What are my limits?
Signs This Might Be You
You might recognize codependent patterns rooted in low self-worth if:
You feel responsible for other people’s emotions
You give more when relationships feel uncertain
You struggle to ask for help but offer it freely
You feel guilty resting, saying no, or prioritizing yourself
You stay longer than you should because you “understand” them
You minimize your needs to avoid conflict or rejection
You feel uneasy when someone doesn’t need you
You’re praised for being “easy,” “strong,” or “selfless”—but feel unseen
If this list stirred something, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It means your nervous system learned how to survive.
What Healing Actually Requires
To change these patterns, we have to reframe kindness as a choice, not a compulsion.
Boundaries are not punishments—they are self-protection. And once you understand that, setting them becomes less terrifying.
There is a difference between giving from fullness and giving from fear.
I also remind my patients of this often: feeling guilt does not mean you are doing something wrong.
My (very codependent) friends and I used to joke, “Stop feeling bad!”—because we had to relearn that self-protection is not immoral. Stealing from your mother’s purse, on the other hand, might be.
Guilt exists to keep us aligned with our moral compass. That compass is something you define for yourself. In clinical terms, we call that ego-syntonic.
As long as you are expressing your needs honestly, setting limits, or walking away from what doesn’t serve you—you are living a moral life.
A Moment of Reflection
Before you close this page, take a pause and consider:
Where in your life are you giving more than you have—emotionally, mentally, or relationally?
What do you fear might happen if you stopped overgiving?
If your worth didn’t depend on being needed, what might change?
Optional journaling prompt:
What would it look like to be kind without abandoning yourself?
Please hear me when I say:
You are not broken.
These are learned behaviors—and learned behaviors can be unlearned. Your worth does not need to be proven. You are lovable as you are.
And maybe it’s time we stop identifying as “codependent.” You may have traits. You may have patterns. But that is not your identity.
Healing codependency isn’t about becoming colder or harder. It’s about learning how to stay connected to yourself while in relationship.
If this resonated, you’re not alone. I share more reflections like this — along with tools for unlearning overgiving and rebuilding self-worth — in my newsletter. You’re welcome to join me there.
