Transforming Bonds: Journeying from Codependency to Independence and Empowerment

Have you ever been told that you were a people pleaser? Do you often feel like you have a hard time saying no, setting boundaries or feel excessive guilt when you do? If you have ever felt like you were “walking on eggshells” to avoid upsetting others, this article may be for you.

You might be “codependent”. So cliché right? Well, I am not using the term “codependent” in the sensationalized way it is in culture today. I am a Licensed Psychotherapist that is an expert in relational trauma and a self-identified codependent. Okay; well, a “recovered codependent” is what I like to call myself. Although I still struggle with feelings of guilt sometimes, I consider myself a very independent and empowered young lady despite where I’ve come from.

First let’s start by identifying what “codependent” means in a clinical terms. Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where individuals prioritize the needs of others over their own, often leading to a loss of self-identity and emotional health. Codependent individuals may enable unhealthy behaviors in others while struggling with feelings of low self-worth, fear of abandonment, and an overwhelming desire to control or fix others. In the general sense, being codependent means you allow others’ emotional reactions to control your own mood and subsequent behaviors. Do not get his confused with having empathy. Having empathy for others is different than taking on the responsibility of saving others from their own emotional experiences. We have to draw the line somewhere.

For me personally, becoming a codependent was influenced by being raised in an unstable environment in which I was not provided with a safe and secure base in which my emotions could be acknowledged. This was due to having emotionally unstable parents who each suffered from mental illness and addiction. Due to this environment, I had learned as a young child that my emotions did not matter since there was no place for them. Instead, I learned to prioritize my parents’ emotional well-being over my own. Codependency can originate from a multitude of environmental factors, however common themes in childhood are emotionally unstable caregivers, addiction, trauma and/or emotional or physical abuse. This pattern of how he relate to others carries into our adulthood and into our most intimate relationships.

All that being said, how do you overcome this codependent pattern and stop putting others needs before yours and building tons of resentment because you really want to say “no” to people when you often say “yes”. You may also be wondering how to stop engaging in emotionally abusive relationships since these dynamics have always been normalized for you? Here are 5 things I want you to know to overcome codependency.

1. You are stronger than you know

Being a codependent is often driven by a fear of abandonment or rejection. We must remember who we are outside of these relationships and know that we are capable of surviving on our own if need be.

2. You are allowed to be whoever you want to be.

Codependents can often dim their personalities to avoid upsetting their partners or modifying their values to avoid being rejected. You must access your authentic self and as my therapist once put it to me; “remember who the F#ck you are!”

3. You will gain confidence and heal

Again, codependents have a deep-rooted fear of being abandoned and this is a wound we must heal before setting a boundary and risking this rejection. I am here to tell you that you can and will heal if you set your mind to it.

4. Your internal thoughts and self-beliefs are variable.

Often a codependent possesses insidious and irrational self -beliefs such as “I am not good enough” or “no one will ever love me”. These beliefs are often unconscious, so if your first reaction to this was “no way I don’t feel that way”, then you probably wouldn’t be bending over backwards to accommodate the feelings of others. Sorry to be blunt, but I know these patterns all too well.

5. Being alone can be enlightening and you have the answers already inside of you.

The fear of abandonment includes a fear of being alone. Maybe not physically, but in a romantic sense. And I don’t mean I am single, but I get constant external validation from men via social media and texting. I mean actually “starving the hungry ghost”. Tara Brach uses the phrase "starving the hungry ghost" to describe the idea of addressing and overcoming our inner cravings and compulsions that stem from a sense of emptiness or unfulfilled desires. In Buddhist tradition, a "hungry ghost" symbolizes a being that is perpetually dissatisfied and seeking fulfillment through external means

The key to becoming an independent and empowered woman is to start being selfish! Yes, I said it. You have lived a life of constantly catering to others needs and it’s about time you start taking care of you!

In order to start being selfish you are going to have to learn to set some boundaries. There are two kinds of boundaries:

Emotional boundaries: Protecting yourself from others emotional outbursts, manipulation or neglect. For example, an emotional boundary I once had to set was to first avoid answering a phone-call from a family member I knew was going to berate me about something I didn’t want to deal with, and then I directly told this person that I did not want to talk to them after they called me incessantly.

Physical boundaries: are removing yourself from a place you do not feel comfortable and or directly communicating to someone when they are making you feel uncomfortable. I had to do this once by refusing to attend a social gathering in which I knew everyone that would be there would try to bully me over a significant matter.

Setting boundaries is hard for a few reasons. The first one is that we fear that by setting these boundaries, the person on the receiving end will not respect them and subsequently abandon us. That is the risk that we take. Some people may respect our boundaries while others will laugh in our faces as they bulldoze right through them, and some may even actually abandon us. Those people are the ones that we don’t need in our lives. That means they only benefit from a relationship with us in which they can take advantage and do not need to consider our feelings.

The other issue we have in setting boundaries is the subsequent feeling of GUILT. I am the queen of saying “I feel bad”!! I can intellectually know that setting a boundary is necessary but still FEEL guilty on an emotional level. Guilt is one of the most useless emotions we have in my opinion. Brené Brown defines guilt as a feeling that arises when we believe we’ve done something wrong or failed to meet our own standards. My understanding of guilt is that its only function is to aide us in developing our moral compasses and then checking us once we violate those values. It tells us when we have done something WRONG. So the next time you ignore your mothers fifth call to criticize you for not coming home for the holidays because you can’t afford the flights; you can tell your feelings of guilt, that you are not doing anything wrong! You are allowed to protect yourself emotionally, physically, and yes even financially!

In summary, I want to wish you all well and remind you that “nice guys finish last”. A joke I know, but we must learn to honor our own needs and assert ourselves in a way that feels empowering. You got this because you deserve it!