The Real Reason You Always Choose the Bad Boy Over the Good Guy

Woman contemplating over a cup of coffee

I cannot tell you how many times I've worked with patients around relationship insecurities and uncovered fears of unworthiness. Core beliefs that they are not, in fact, loveable.

I truly understand those wounds, but it takes a lot of introspection and work in therapy to uncover what drives our dating patterns. Clichés of "loving toxic partners," engaging in abusive relationships, dating the "bad boys," and staying too long in unfulfilling relationships are much more accessible narratives than facing the real wound behind these patterns: we don't feel that we deserve healthy love.

Sometimes we even play the victim- "why are all the men I date so horrible?" "Why do men treat me this way?" A better question is, why do we entertain them? Why don't we see and honor red flags when they show themselves? You don't truly believe that all men are emotionally unavailable and incompetent partners, do you? You have witnessed healthy partnerships with mutual respect. But they're not for you? Well, why not?

We joke about being attracted to the narcissists, the circus full of red flags. We crave the assholes who we know will treat us like shit. But then we go on a date with the nice guy - who on paper checks all the boxes, and claim there's no chemistry. We get the ick from his manners, the way he pulls out our chair, or the corny way he laughs. Then we get mad at ourselves: why can't we be attracted to the nice guys? This guy responds to our texts. He doesn't leave us confused. He's consistent and available. And we freak out and run right back to the toxic guy. The evil we know, right?

Are we mistaking chemistry for love? Sure. Are we replicating a pattern we saw in our parents' relationship, or loving the way we were taught love was? Also yes. But the truth of it is, we don't feel that we deserve the good guy. The healthy guy. Because with him, we have to be vulnerable. We have to be available ourselves. This guy is actually willing and able to see us - but we aren't ready to be seen, because we fear that once they see the real, wounded person in us, they'll leave.

And that's much harder than the story we know: another unavailable man let me down, because of his shit.

See, dating these men - you know, the ones we joke about earning a PhD in Narcissistic Personality Disorder while dating - we do that so we can focus on his flaws. The spotlight will always be on why he's not ready. We don't have to look in the mirror and see what role we're playing. But what if the healthy man leaves? What will we make of that? We are too exposed to face that reality, so we play it safe.

The one question I ask patients only when they are ready to go there is: "What are you afraid they will see?" And that's when the true vulnerability shows. "I am scared they'll see how broken I am" or "I'm afraid they'll be turned off by my family, or think I'm too dysfunctional" are common responses.

And there it is. That's the core of what we're working with. These are less fears and more core beliefs we carry about ourselves, and exactly why we only date the toxic men. They're just as toxic as I feel worthy of. I feel threatened by the man who is ready to see me.

Let's just sit with that for a minute before we try to work through it. Don't run away from this too fast. As painful as that is, we are also now in a more empowered place to do what we'd like with it. Think of it like a doctor who has finally found the diagnosis - now we know how to treat it. This is valuable information.

One of my favorite quotes by Brené Brown: "Owning our stories and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we can do."

This is where the work is done. It's leaning into the discomfort of the shame we carry for our childhoods, our chaotic homes, and our dysfunctional parents. This is where we say: I am not my story, and although it has shaped me, it doesn't define me.

I may have been raised by imperfect parents who weren't able to love me the way that I deserved, but that doesn't mean that I am unloveable or unworthy of healthy love.

And the only way someone else's judgment of our past can bother us is if we are still holding onto judgment of our past ourselves.

Wear your scars proudly - they make you beautifully unique.

That's why there's that cliché: you must love yourself first. You must accept yourself as imperfect and release the shame, so that you know and believe you deserve it when a good man is ready to love you.

And when he shows up - and he will - I hope you let him.

If this resonated with you, you don't have to keep navigating these patterns alone.

I work with women just like you through my 1:1 self worth and relationship coaching program - wherever you are in the world.

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