Why Valentine’s Day Exposes Our Relationship With Ourselves

What Valentine’s Day reveals about self-worth — and how to strengthen it, with or without a partner

Hi, I’m a licensed psychotherapist and self-worth coach. My clinical focus is relational trauma, which is why the topic of self-love matters deeply to me—both professionally and personally.

I spent many Valentine’s Days single. Not partnered, anyway. But never truly alone.

Valentine’s season has a way of amplifying old wounds, insecurities, and questions about worth—especially for people who are self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and still struggling in relationships. That’s why this conversation feels especially important right now.

Why is self-love the foundation for healthy relationships?

Most people hear the phrase self-love and think, “Well, duh. Of course I love myself.”

But when we zoom out and look at their relationships or lifestyle as a whole, things don’t always align.

This can be a tough pill to swallow, but here’s the truth: when you truly love yourself, you stop tolerating things that make you feel bad about yourself.

You stop accepting disrespect, ambiguity, emotional inconsistency, and anything less than a full “fuck yes.” The relationships you maintain are often a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself.

Self-love gives you permission to have standards, and to expect them to be met.

That matters every day of the year, but especially on Valentine’s Day, a holiday that’s been culturally framed as something only romantic couples get to celebrate. That kind of messaging can feel deeply exclusionary.

On a day like that, it’s essential to know without question—that your worth is not contingent on having a romantic partner. You are already worthy.

What does authentic self-love look like beyond surface-level self-care?

Self-love is more than hot baths, candles, and face masks. That’s the superficial layer.

Real self-love is about making decisions that support your mind, body, and soul, and then living in alignment with those choices.

Some days, self-love might look like eating ice cream in your pajamas while binge-watching reality TV. Other days, it might look like going for a run and drinking green juice with a friend.

Your body and emotions are usually excellent indicators of what you need—or what you need less of.

One helpful way to check whether you’re living in alignment with self-love is to consider your inner child and ask:

“Is this healthy for them?”

How does self-love influence how we show up in relationships?

When self-love is solid, relationships become a choice—not a need.

You’re less likely to over-function, over-give, or stay in dynamics that require you to abandon yourself. You show up more honestly, communicate more clearly, and walk away sooner when something doesn’t feel right.

Self-love doesn’t make relationships perfect, but it makes them healthier.

Simple ways to practice self-love when you feel burned out or disconnected

One of the simplest and most powerful practices is sitting down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Call it journaling or free association, just start writing. Write out your thoughts, fears, and desires without censoring yourself.

A powerful prompt is:

“What does my inner child need right now?”

Another helpful exercise is making a list of things you loved doing as a child. During COVID pandemic, I did this and rediscovered my love for coloring. (Yes—adult coloring books are very much a thing.) Bike riding came back into my life, too.

These activities matter because they’re reward-less. They’re not about achievement, productivity, or approval. They’re acts of pure “I am enough.”

That’s what makes them so healing.

Reframing Valentine’s Day around self-love

One way to reframe Valentine’s Day is to see it as a celebration of love in all its forms—not just romantic love.

The holiday isn’t going anywhere, so we might as well reclaim it.

While it’s often marketed in a way that centers couples, the truth is that every human being—single or partnered—is inherently love.

Eckhart Tolle describes love not as something we feel, but as something we are. We don’t feel love—we are love.

I remember feeling bitter about Valentine’s Day. I felt envious of women receiving roses and chocolates. But once I reframed it, everything shifted. I began celebrating the essence of love itself, even when I was single (which was for many years).

I’d post hearts and puppies on social media. I’d send warm texts to people I loved. Sometimes I’d gift my friends little chocolate hearts. One year, a close girlfriend and I made it a tradition to take each other out to a fancy restaurant. I mean—why shouldn’t we enjoy the Valentine’s Day prix fixe menu?

There are so many forms of love in this life. Love for friends, pets, siblings, chosen family, and yourself.

In my opinion, you always have a Valentine—if you’re willing to widen the definition of what love gets to look like.