How Can I Move from Anxious to Secure? Expert Insights and Tips

Understanding attachment styles is key to building healthier relationships, both with ourselves and others. Our attachment style—the way we relate to others in close relationships—is shaped by early experiences with caregivers and can influence how we navigate romantic, familial, and social connections throughout our lives. Among the different attachment styles, anxious attachment can often lead to difficulties in relationships, characterized by a deep fear of abandonment, insecurity, and constant seeking of reassurance. However, with awareness and intentional work, it is possible to move from an anxious attachment style to a more secure, balanced way of relating to others.

I approach this subject as both a licensed mental health professional; expert in relational trauma and a personally anxiously attached individual who has healed and developed a more secure attachment style. Yes, it is possible to make that transition- I am living proof!

The Four Attachment Styles

First let’s define the 4 attachment styles as developed my Mary Ainsworth in the Strange Situation which is a research method that involves a series of separations and reunions between a child and their caregiver. The procedure is used to observe and classify attachment styles.

Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust their partners, communicate effectively, and are comfortable being vulnerable.

Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and reassurance but struggle with feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection. They may become preoccupied with their relationships, constantly seeking validation and fearing abandonment. These are the individuals (once me) that go into panic mode when their partners don’t answer a call or text. There is an underlying belief that “everyone will leave me.”

Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant attachment tend to distance themselves emotionally, often avoiding intimacy or closeness. While they also crave closeness, they’re fear of vulnerability causes them to become hyper-independent. We label these individuals “commitment phobes” as they often feel smothered by romantic partners.

Disorganized or Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: This style combines anxiety and avoidance, where individuals both desire closeness and fear it, leading to inconsistent behaviors in relationships. Disorganized attachment often stems from trauma or chaotic caregiving environments, and individuals with this style may exhibit emotionally abusive behaviors or come off as “hot and cold.” Research on this style is less extensive than the others, but it’s believed to have roots in traumatic or unpredictable early experiences.

The Challenges of Anxious Attachment

Being anxiously attached in a relationship can be hard on both parties as the anxiety often creates a “hold on tight” mentality in which we cling on to our partners so tightly that they naturally need some space. The emotional trauma we may have endured as children inhibits our rational brain from recognizing that our partner not responding to our text immediately simply they are busy at work. Instead, our default response to any conflict in the relationship becomes the catastrophic belief that “it’s over and they will leave me”. Our subsequent behavior is to call or text relentlessly, or over perform in a desperate attempt to reconcile the internal anxiety we feel. Unfortunately this behavior ends up passing our anxiety onto our partners who may begin to feel smothered, exhausted and confused.

Anxious vs. Avoidant Attachment: A Poor Match

I don’t believe there’s a perfect match when it comes to attachment styles, but if you're anxiously attached, a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style is likely to be especially challenging. It’s like mixing oil and water. The avoidant person is already fearful of intimacy, so when faced with the anxious person’s overbearing behaviors, their natural response is to pull away. This creates a “cat-and-mouse” dynamic that is unlikely to end well for either party. To maintain such a relationship, both individuals must be self-aware and communicative about their needs, but the anxiety levels are likely to remain high.

Moving Toward a Secure Attachment Style

 The good news is that it’s entirely possible to move toward a more secure attachment style! The not-so-good news is that it requires intentional work. If you want to get to the root of your anxious attachment style, you may need to revisit some childhood trauma. That may sound daunting, but sometimes the root cause can be as simple as a disruption in bonding with a primary caregiver due to parents being frequently absent due to work or struggling with their own mental health. This doesn’t mean your parents were bad; they were just human. For example, a mother struggling with postpartum depression might not have been able to bond with you in the way she wanted.

Meeting with a mental health professional can be incredibly beneficial in identifying which type of therapy might best support your healing journey—whether it’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Psychodynamic Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).

While therapy can take time and may feel overwhelming at first, there are things you can start doing at home to manage your anxiety and begin transitioning toward a more secure attachment style.

Practical Steps for Healing Anxious Attachment

1. Increase Awareness of Your Anxiety

The next time you're feeling triggered—let’s say when a phone call to your partner goes to voicemail—take a moment to identify the anxiety you’re feeling. Scan your body and locate where the tension lands. For me, it often manifested as a pit in my stomach or a tightness in my chest. Simply sit with that feeling for a moment, practicing mindfulness. Your nervous system’s response is irrational, but it has convinced you that you’re in danger. Place your hand on your heart and repeat, “I am safe, and I am loved.” Take deep breaths and resist the urge to act on the anxiety.

2. Journal Your Thoughts

   
   

   Once you’ve calmed your anxiety a bit, grab a pen and paper and journal your thoughts and feelings. Write whatever comes to mind. Express your anger, fear, hurt—whatever is there. Allow yourself to cry, vent, and write until you can’t write anymore. By the time you stop, you might even find that you're hungry or need to use the bathroom—essentially, you’ve moved past an impulsive reaction to your emotions. Congratulations, you’ve just avoided a potentially destructive response!

3. Learn More About Attachment Styles

   
   

   The more you learn about attachment theory, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate your own healing process. I recommend reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller or listening to my podcast episode, Exploring Attachment Styles.

Remember, attachment theory is all about trust- trusting others to meet our needs, but more importantly learning to trust ourselves to meet our own needs and the rewards are profound. As you build emotional security, you’ll experience deeper, more trusting relationships and a healthier sense of self. You can cultivate the stable, supportive connections you deserve, moving toward a more balanced and secure future.